So, remember when I told you about my ex, who cheated on me with one of the worst peoples in the world to cheat on me with? And, from my knowledge gathered through questioning, the time line puts him cheating on me for over a year before I caught him. And he couldn't own up to it when I caught him. His stupid pathetic ass was silent for the longest time until I could convince him that I wasn't going to whale on his pathetic ass, that all I wanted were just answers to my questions. Even then I had to coo the answers out of him. Okay, I know no one really wants to answer those types of questions, but at least have the fucking BALLS to admit you're cheating on me with this two faced, disgusting, scheming, man stealing whore when I ask you why she is calling you when you told me you no longer talk to her, all the while showing you her latest call on you fucking phone. You muthafuckin' bitchass pussy.

Any way.

Since I left he's been contacting me in various ways. He called a few times within the first few months after I left. I never picked up. He never left a message. He never sent me a text. Since I had lived with him for 4 years, I had lots of mail that continued to get sent to that address. Lots of junk mail. He would periodically drop off that mail to where I moved to. I moved back in with the parentals. He knows where that is. And as you know, I have a little doggy. He was "our" doggy. Our "son." He dropped off random crap for him too. Toys, treats, blah blah bullshit. And one time he dropped off "gifts" for me as well. WTF. So annoyed. And tonight, my door bell rings and you know who's on the other side of the door? No, not him. He's too pussy to call, so of course he isn't gonna just show up all of a sudden. He had mother's days flowers delivered to me. *0.o I admit, they are cute. Flowers arranged to look like a dog. Adorable. Yah. Blah blah. But seriously dude? It's been over a year. Stop sending me crap. WTF. Go fuck your disgusting manipulative whore and leave me the fuck alone. Ugh.
So frustrated.

And I wanted food, so I ate, and ate, and ate. I thought I was hungry. No... I thought about it after I realized how much I had consumed and I think I was eating because I'm annoyed/frustrated/upset/angry about him sending me flowers. No, don't tell me that shit is sweet. It isn't. He fucking cheats on me with the worst person possible, rips my fucking heart out, throws away 4 years of love, and the last year, when we weren't doing so well I was wondering why why why, driving myself insane, thinking it's me, asking him time and time again if he's happy with me, if he's happy in our relationship, asking if he would tell me if something is wrong because it doesn't feel like a relationship any more - it was feeling more like we were roommates, and he kept telling me no, no, no, everything is fine, he see's a future with me, blah blah bullshit. Oh! Oh! Oh! To top it all off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He fucking PARENTS knew about her. They knew!!!! I interact with his parents on at least a weekly basis, if not daily. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!?!?!?!??!

Ugh. I'm so angry. I'm still angry about it because what type of people do shit like that!??!?!?!?!?! I kinda get the individual cheating, but the ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY!??!!? Are you fucking serious!??!?!?!

Shall I tell you why this whore is the worst person he could cheat on me with? Sure.
Way back during the first year of our relationship she liked him, he liked her liking him, and she tried to take him away from me. I squashed it all, then. I think. The worst part was her pretending to be my friend. A false sense of security. She's a deceptive, manipulative cunt. She came up with plots and schemes to keep him out with her, and away from me. They used to work together - he was her manager, she was his maggot employee. They worked at Walgreens together. Let me tell you about one of her schemes to keep him with her and away from me. For as long as she's been working there, she would always get picked up on time by her parents after the store closed. Then all of a sudden, they start being late to pick her disgusting ass up. Conveniently, it happens on the day that he closes the store with her. The store is located in a rather ghetto part of the city. Not super ghetto, but you wouldn't wanna be standing on the street waiting for your ride at 10pm. He suggests she wait for her parents in his car cuz he doesn't want her waiting outside, on the street, alone. He come home late. Like a hour later than usual. I ask him what happened and he told me. Okay, sure, I understand. But it happens again. Light bulb in my head goes off. I tell him I understand why he keeps her company. I would want her waiting out there at that time of night by herself either (at the time, any way. Today, I'd throw her ass out of my car naked at 1am in the tenderloin if I had the chance.). I'm only upset about what's going on because it takes time away from our time together. He closes most of the time, and the job I had at that time required me to get up at the butt-crack of dawn. So we rarely saw each other. What little time we had together was important to me. He understood. The time next time her parents were so conveniently late he suggested they pick her up at his place cuz he didn't want to keep me waiting for him. She panicked, said no no no, he started the car, she pulled out her phone and started calling people and told him to, "go, go, go." And after a few calls she told him to drop her off some where else. He arrives at home and tells me the story. After that, her parents were never late to pick her up again. Hm. Scheming much, bitch!?!? And that wasn't the only time. There were a few others. And each time they happened, I pointed it out to him. Told him her thought process behind it. He asked how can I know. I told him, "How can I not know? I'm a girl. I know how other girl's think. And look at the shit she's already done. How shady is all that? You know she likes you. She's trying to come between us. Why else would she out your secret about her coming over?" She realized I was at work one day, because I told her I was. I was ranting to her about my stupid manager while I was at work. And not too long after, she was at the door to "surprise" him. How do I know this? I have my ways. People always leave trails. People aren't the smartest beings. People who don't know much about technology don't know how to hide their trails. I'm smarter than your average girl when it comes to computers and certain computer programs that I am familiar with. So I figured out the time she was there that day. I had confronted him during that first year about her. If he had feelings for her. If he rather be with her than me. He said no. No no no. He chose me. THAT is why she is the worst person he could have cheated on me with.

Fucking jackass. Fuckin' bitchass muthafuckin' spineless piece of baboon shit. Both of them. Oh, god. Sometimes I WISH I would run into them on the street somewhere and WISH one of them would say something to me. I'd rip them a fuckin' new one. I'd fuckin' rip his ass open and shove her disgusting, boylookin' face in there and sew that shit shut.

Yeah... I'm still upset about it. Obviously. Not as much as I once was. But I was fine and dandy. Great. Almost. But getting over it. Forgetting it. Not thinking about it. Then he sends me these fucking flowers. What the fuck you fucking spineless jack ass. Leave me the fuck alone you sad sad pussy excuse for a human being.

I wanna kick him in the nuts. I wanna hit him in the nuts with a pool cue! That looks like fun.

I've been quite depressed lately, especially for the last few days. Ugh. Why? It's because of work. I got hurt at work, because of work. As you probably know, I'm a dog groomer. By nature, dogs do not stay very still or are very cooperative with grooming. For some reason, this is especially true of dogs in the Bay Area. It was worse when I worked at PetSmart, but it still isn't great. Anyway, I don't blame the dogs for me getting hurt. I'm forcing something on them that they don't like, that isn't natural to them.

So, through holding them up and holding their head still, holding them in such a way that would prevent them from biting me, I strained my trapezius. It's been hurting for a few months now, progressively getting worse. I didn't see a doc about it, but I was seeing a sports massage therapist for it. Last Tuesday it gave me more trouble than usual. It hurt, pretty bad. So much that I could barely move it without pain. Needless to say, grooming that day sucked ass. I saw my massage therapist the next day and she told me I probably pulled my trap and deltoid. Thursday I go into work, and half way through the day I break down into tears from pain. So much pain I couldn't stand, I could barely move. My boss, who owns the grooming shop I work at, suggests I call the Kaiser advice nurse. I call, tell her what happened, she asks if I want to see the doc, I say yes, she asks for permission from my employer, I ask for permission from my employer, she says yes, and off I go to the doc. There just happened to be an appointment open in a hour from the time that I called. I get there, fill out papers, see the doc, after poking around my back and shoulder, and me collapsing in pain when she touches my trapezoid, she concludes that I have strained my trapezius, puts me on work restriction, and prescribes me physical therapy.

I am off the next day, Friday, and I get a text from my employer asking about my filing for workers comp. I think about it, and I guess I did when I went to the doctor the advise nurse on the phone told me to go to. Honestly I had no idea what was going on at the time; I was in so much pain and all I wanted to do was see a doc to see what's wrong with me and hopefully get something for the pain.

Any way, I go into work today and my employer asks about my filing for workers comp. I told her that I wasn't aware that that was what I was doing; I was in so much pain and I just wanted to see a doc, so filled out whatever papers they gave me so I can see the doc. She told me that the lady who called her regarding workers comp told her that if I wanted to file for workers comp I could blame it on my previous employer because technically my injury is one that has happened from doing the same motion over time and I have a year to file workers comp against my previous employer. She then tells me that she hasn't got workers comp insurance, or something like if I file for it her insurance premium will go up pretty high, and she hopes I won't file workers comp against her and will go after my previous employer instead. I told her I dunno what I want to do, I need to think about it. A few hours later she asks me what I want to do about the workers comp. I tell her I dunno; I need to think about it. I feel like she's pressuring me to go after my previous employer and not her. *0.o Ugh. I'm pretty sure that's illegal, her pressuring me to go after my previous employer. I'm irritated, frustrated, and aggravated with her at this point. And to make matters worse, my shoulder starts acting up. Probably because I groomed two dogs in a row with very little rest in between. PAIN! It's almost as bad as the pain I felt Thursday. Almost broke down into tears. Ugh.

The pain, this situation with my employer has brought me down. I've been quite depressed. And with depression comes my bulimia. So I've been quite consumed in my eating disorder lately. Ugh. Wanna kill myself. No, seriously, I've had suicidal thoughts lately. Just wanna kill myself. Yep. Ugh.

Someone kill me. Or, doggy please maul me. And for the record, pit bulls are not vicious doggies. I love pits. Best doggies EVER! Very friendly, playful, loyal, smart. BESTEST doggies!

Recently, within the last week recently, I have been oh so consumed and obsessed with Gackt. For those of you who don't know who this beautiful human being is, he is a Japanese singer/actor/composer/musician. He's so multi-talented! hahaha. I could go on and on and on about him. I do, to my brother, and my friends/coworkers. Yeah, my friends/coworkers are one in the same. So sad... I have no friends any more. I did not recently fall in love with Gackt. No, I learned of him about 10 years ago and fell in love wit him then. Oh so obsessed. But, probably not as much as I am today. haha. 10 years ago I had school to focus on and spend most of my time working on. Today, all I really have is work and few miscellaneous things I have to get done at some point. So most of my free time can be spent obsessing/watching/gawking at Gackt on YouTube. hahahahahha. I have already spent nights watching concerts and random videos/interviews of him. I am SO grateful to those who take the time out  and add subtitles to his videos. I don't know Japanese, so I have no idea what is going on other than what SEEMS to be going on when there are no subtitles. haha. And I must say, the more I learn about him, the more infatuated I become.

So how did this obsession start up again? I don't recall what drove me to look up his videos on YouTube, but I did one night, and I learned that he had put out a few new songs in the last 2 years! I was over joyed, and listened to all of them, and fell in love, AGAIN! Then I started to listen to all the old stuffs of his that I have, and I cannot stop listening to them. I love his voice. It's beautiful. Although I don't really know what he's singing about, what exactly he's saying in each of his songs (I've looked up the translated lyrics to a few songs.), they bring me great joy.  I listen to them and a ginormous smile comes across my face. I feel happy, from the inside out. I can't explain why; I don't know why. But it happens, and I love it. I don't think I've had this feeling before. I can't recall the last time I felt truly happy and joyous from the inside out. Perhaps when my lil pup pup learned all the commands I taught him when I first got him. Maybe when my lil pup pup was FINALLY house broken. I don't know. I want to say yes, because it would be a situation that would bring any mum/new pet owner joy, but I don't think that was the case. Probably because there was so much bullshit going on with the ex (then boyfriend) at the time. In any case, I've never felt this happiness, and I plan on enjoying it for as long as it lasts.

I have no idea how to upload a video to an entry through another site (YouTube), so I'm just gonna give you a link to one of my favorite songs, in the event that you're interested in checking him out, of course.
http://youtu.be/F5FDo7pcqrU

Here is a picture of Gackt.



Yeah ... I also find him incredibly hot, sexy, charismatic, attractive (in soooooooooo many ways; not just in his physical appearance), and funny. He's hilarious!

It's 3 am. I've been watching him on YouTube for almost 5 hours now. hahahahahha. God, can you say obsessed, infatuated? Lusting. Oh, I can go on and on! As you have probably already noticed. hahahaha.

Good night. I'm going to go dream of Gackt.

I have finally joined the population of smart phone users... I upgraded my mobile phone plan! I now have an iPhone 4S! I got it yesterday, and spent a shit ton of time customizing it. I spent a butt-load of time making my own ringtones. And then I did the same thing today. hahahaha. And adding pictures, and editing my contacts. I fucked around with Siri. I don't like her. She called someone I haven't talked to in a long ass time. >.< hahaha.

It's been sucking up time I don't really spend doing much. So, yay! Distraction from bulimia. Pwahahaha.

Okay, more fucking around with my iPhone till I'm bored or very tired.

Pwahahhaha.

So, there was an event that happened last night that spurred that rant about Mr. Marine.
He sent me a text asking what my plans for the next day (today). I replied that I had plans to go to hot yoga at 7pm and probably won't be able to go out after because last time I did hot yoga I was pooped, exhausted, and gone. He said he was thinking about the afternoon. I asked what time. He said around 4:30pm. I said I could meet up with him before yoga. He begins to take longer to respond to my texts, which is irritating because isn't HE the one who is trying to make plans??? He then says he has errands to run, but I could join if I wanted to. And would love to see me after yoga. I say I'm down to join him, and I'll let him know how I feel after yoga. He replies saying ok, but what about the afternoon. Um... Did I not JUST say I'll join him on his errands?!?!?! I text him that I thought I had just agreed to run his errands with him. He doesn't reply for 10 min, I'm sick of waiting for him to reply, it's 11pm, and I honestly am tired, so I text him I'm going to bed, good night. He replies 10 min later with good night, see you tomorrow.

UGH! So irritated!!!!!!!!!!! How are you gonna hit me up, trying to make plans, and YOU take forever to respond?!?!?!?! OBVIOUSLY it's not that important to you. UGH. OR! you become uninterested in planning something after you find out that I'm not down to see you in the evening, the time you ACTUALLY wanted to see me at. Yeah, he said afternoon, but that's not his typical MO. AND, as he said, he had errands to run in the afternoon. Look at him contradict himself. I was thinking about the afternoon, but I have errands to run. Makes so much sense, huh? When I think back to it, it seems that when the topic is no longer of interest to him, he takes his sweet ass time responding to me via text. We do tend to communicate via text quite often. And I don't mind it because I detest speaking on the phone. Bleh. I much rather text.

This morning, I receive a text from him informing me that he isn't able to meet me in the afternoon because he apparently has to work over time because someone called out sick. Sure, it seems possible. People are getting sickly this time of year. Cold/flu is going around. BUT! I had a feeling that something would come up that would prevent him from being able to meet me in the afternoon. He expressed that he hopes he can see me after yoga. I text him back, telling him that I will let him know how I feel after hot yoga.

The day goes by, I go to hot yoga, which was GREAT, by the way. Loved it! So calm and relaxed after. Aahhhhhhhhh. haha.
I text him as I leave the yoga studio and tell him I am pooped, yoga was sooooo good. He texts me back to go rest. I tell him that is my plan. Shower and rest.

This may seem little to some people, but means the world to me. The fact that I was able to say no to going out after hot yoga, and stick to not going out after hot yoga means the world to me, makes me happy and feel empowered. Before, I would drop everything for him. I would drop whatever I'm doing just to see him, spend time with him, whatever... with him. There have been times when we'd have a plan to go out and he would cancel on me because something came up. It didn't bother me at first, but after a while, the cancellations become tiring, and I start to feel like I mean nothing to him; our dates, our meetings, our time together isn't important to him. And lately, he'd tell me he'll call me later, meet up later, go out later, and I would hear absolutely NOTHING from him. So, I must mean NOTHING to him. He must only think of me when he realizes he misses me or misses whatever physical shit we'd do together. SO TIRED OF IT. Most of the time, when we do meet up or get together we end up doing something physical at the end of our meeting. Every time, after the physical, we would part ways. So, I've come to the conclusion that THAT is all he wants from me. I am quite tired of giving it to him.
Hm... I digress.
So back to telling him no to meeting tonight. I am happy and proud of myself for doing this because I finally put me first. I put my needs, my wants first. I finally made ME a priority over him. I WANTED to go to hot yoga so I did. I NEEDED to rest after hot yoga, so I did. I NEEDED me time, away from him, so I had it. I am proud of putting myself before someone who can't give me the respect of replying to me, keeping dates with me, or even calling me when he says he will! It's happened way too many times to be written off as "I forgot." At some point, you just don't care to keep your word to me any more.

Now... I need help. How do I let him go? How do I tell him no more? How do I put an end to whatever the fuck we are?